Monday, May 30, 2011

Find a Replacement Please!

I told my husband today that I feel irreplaceable, but not in the warm fuzzy feeling way.

 As bedtime drew near for a 3 year old who was as crispy as toast and I held a hot, sweaty, fussy baby I suddenly realized how intregral I am to them. I am irreplaceable in their eyes and hearts and yet all I wanted to do in that moment was escape. Not escape and flee the country house, just escape from their need for me.

Remind me that I said this when they are teenagers who view me as unnecessary. 

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Some Sewing Has Been Done

I finished my second custom order for Seamingly Sarah. A cute little bag for a world traveler. I think this accomplished young woman (it's for my sister, I have to brag about her!) will enjoy it while trekking through Africa this summer!

But I may have been a fool to take on a queen size quilt too (since it's for my youngest sister, she won't mind if it takes awhile!).  I can find 5 minute increments to sew, but that takes a while to add up when the project is in the dimensions of 90" x 96"! Oy. Right now I'm stuck on what to do for the backing. I love to repurpose stuff and make do with what I have (i.e. whittle down my stash of fabric before another single piece comes into this house!), but I just don't have something that will work. I'll just dig deeper.

I'm feeling better about this whole mom-hood gig. I read something on Momformation (on that resonated with me...something along the lines that this is just a season. Similiar to "This too shall pass." But more like this is the season for playing pretend, dress up, nursing, making silly faces to entice a smile and nothing else. Yes, I feel boring when I recite what I did for the day to my husband (who by the way is my biggest supporter). Yes, I yearn to dive into my bin of fabric and not come out for days. Yes, I feel socially awkward at the thought of finding mom friends (that's a whole other post). But this is now and now requires reciting Cinderella or Beauty and the Best to my three year old and carrying around a chunky newborn (love her to bits and pieces). Tomorrow may be different.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Am I Cut Out For This?

I've been staying at home with  my two girls for two months now. I can't believe my littlest is two months old, time flies. But I can't believe I've only been doing this for two months, time is dragging.

I love to watch my kids interact. The baby gives her big sister the biggest smiles. And her big sister tries so hard to win those smiles. I love it.

But I'm exhausted. I know there is missed sleep from nursing at night, but I'm also exhausted from just being at home. I feel like all I do is laundry and dishes.

The past several days have been building up to a temper tantrum day for me. All these moments of a whining preschooler and my tiredness made me fabricate doubts. Doubts that I'm not cut out for this stay at home mom thing. And so today I flipped out on my 3 year old like I was a three year old myself. I even gave myself a time out. I felt like a giant ass. I asked God to give me a moment to remind me, remind me that I loved that 3 year old. And He did. We flipped on some music and all three of us danced our little hearts out. I sat on the floor holding my baby and my preschooler wiggled her way inbetween my legs. I held them both tight and just loved them. Thank you God.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Monday, May 9, 2011

Seven Weeks

My baby is 7 weeks old and I thought I'd be back to regularly blogging by now, but I'm not.

There's so much I want to write about. So many pictures I wanted to post about projects I was working on, but now are done. Such is life. There's so much I want to do, but at the end of the day I have done

1. laundry
2. dishes
3. fed both kids
4. clothed and kept clean both kids
5. changed diapers and assisted with the potty

This is my life right now.

I want to tell you about the birth. All three and a half hours of intense labor pains. The surprise and shock of how quickly it went really scared me. I felt so unprepared.

I want to tell you about the immense struggle I felt when I was faced with loving for two children at the same time....for the first time.

I want to tell you about the guilt I feel everytime I have to put the baby down to help my oldest. She'll never get the undivided attention my oldest had. That makes me feel inadequate.

I want to tell you that I quit my job. How scary it is to give up stability (and cheap health insurance) in this economy. But we're both really trusting on God (and our budgeting skills) to provide where ever there is lack.

I want to tell you how I wonder each day if I'm cut out for this. If I'm doing the best I can for my family.

I want to tell you about the countless moments I'm actively trying to savor with my newborn. This is our last and knowing that I'm really trying to breath in each moment. Each chin quiver could be the last. I love and drink in each one. Love it.

I want to tell you how I've seen my oldest struggle with the immediate decrease in mommy's attention and how I've seen her grow so much in just a couple of months.

So much to talk about and so little time. I just hope it doesn't take me another 7 weeks to start telling some of these stories.